The Pagan Activist

 We would like to introduce to you our regular columist for 'Weyland Smith' - Weyland Smith!

These three stories are ongoing articles that replacements for He Said, She Said, which has now finished

The Pagan Activist

 

 

Weyland Smith is an eclectic Solitaire who lives in Middlesex County, New Jersey.  He is a regular columnist for the Pagan Activist, PaganPages, and Copper-Moon ezines, and his work has also appeared in witchvox and Wey's own blog & news page, Amethyst.  When not at his day job, Wey can be reached at weylandsmith@verizon.net. Weyland is a firm believer in reincarnation--in a previous life he was a village idiot.

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2008:

May

April

March

February

January - Author on Hiatus

2007:

December - Author on Hiatus / November / October / September / August / July / June / May / April ~ Author on Hiatus / March / February / January

2006:

December

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Keep the Day Job!
 
Whitechapel Luxury Condos
Lobby desk
 
Ring.
Weyland:  Lobby, Weyland here.  How may I help you?
Boo Boo sounds like a frog:  Wey?
Weyland:  Sis?
Boo Boo:  Yeah.  I have a cold.
Weyland:  I can tell.  Hope you don't give it to me.
Boo Boo:  Thanks for caring.
Weyland:  Hey, I have a credit card payment coming up.  I can't lose any work days.
Boo Boo:  I feel awful.
Weyland:  Go to bed and hide under the covers before you infect the whole house.
Boo Boo: Will you wait on me when you get here like I always do for you when you're sick?
Weyland:  No.
Click.
 
 
Home is Where
 
Edsel, New Jersey
Yogi & Boo Boo's House
 
Weyland comes inside carrying a plastic bag.  His sister Boo Boo is on the living room couch, red-nosed and swaddled in a blanket.
Boo Boo:  Did you stop at the Deli?
Weyland:  Sure did--I'm hungry!
Boo Boo:  Did you get me anything?
Weyland looks at her as if she's gone out of her mind:  No, why would I?
Boo Boo honks her nose on a kleenex:  Well, it would've been nice.
Wey shrugs:  I didn't think you'd want anything.
Boo Boo: You call me when I'm well to see if I want anything!  How come you didn't call me when you know I'm sick?
Weyland frowns:  The way you look you might not make it.  Why throw my money away?
Boo Boo sniffs:  You can cook for me then.  Do you know how to make rice?
Weyland shakes his head:  No.
Boo Boo:  Are you kidding? 
Weyland:  Why do you think I always eat canned food?
Boo Boo gets up and stomps into the kitchen.  Pots and pans clang.  Weyland sits at the dining room table, removes a cup of deli soup from the plastic bag and opens it.
Boo Boo stomps past him & back to the couch:  Tell me when my hot dogs are finished!
Weyland is slurping his soup:  Sure thing, Sis.
A moment later Wey goes into the kitchen to inspect the stovetop:  Hey, Sis!  Your dogs are done!
Boo Boo: Put the dogs in my bowl and strain the rice through a colander and put that on top of the rice and bring it to me!
Weyland is looking around:  What bowl?
Boo Boo:  It's on top of the stove!
Weyland yells back:  What bowl?
Boo Boo:  On the stove!
Weyland:  What color is it?
Boo Boo:  It's the only bowl there!
Weyland:  That's nice--what color is the g*dd*mn thing?!
Boo Boo:  It's blue!
Weyland:  Oh.  Okay, got it.  Now what?'
Boo Boo: Strain the rice through a colander!
Weyland:  What's a colander?
Boo Boo:  There's one hanging on the wall!
Weyland: What's the fr*ggin' thing look like?!
Boo Boo:  It's yellow!
Weyland:  Oh.  Okay, got it.  (After some ominous noises sound from the kitchen, Wey appears with a steaming bowl of rice and franks.)  Here ya go, Sis.
Boo Boo:  Can I have a fork?
Weyland:  Sweet Goddess!  (He stomps into the kitchen & back.)  Here.  Don't bother me again.
Boo Boo gives him a look:  Excuse me?
Weyland:  You heard me.  I'm not the hired help around here, ya know?
Boo Boo:  At least you can fire the hired help.
Weyland:  At least they get paid.
Boo Boo:  I want some orange juice.
Weyland:  Are you still b*tching?

 

Timepiece

 

Part Two: "So Much For a Warm Welcome."

 

Somewhere in Pennsylvania

 

Lavender's black helicopter drops Wey & Celeste off in a woodsy clearing not far from Dr. Ravensong's secret fortress.  They are identically clad in indigo skinsuits and black baseball caps & utility vests.

Celeste watches the copter disappear: Must be nice to have your own Air Force.

Weyland:  Lavender seemed to like you too. Thinkin' of trading up?

Celeste shakes her head:  He'd be too hard to push around.  Which way is the fortress?

Wey shoots a glance at the compass on his wrist:  Dead ahead.

Celeste shivers:  Call it something else.

Weyland:  What're you worried about?  You're immortal.

Celeste is looking all around them:  I can die by violence just like you.

Weyland frowns:  So why'd you come?

Celeste: Cause you're here.

Weyland stops walking abruptly and Celeste, still glancing around, bumps into him.

Celeste:  Hey!

Weyland:  Go back.

Celeste:  Back where?

Weyland:  Back to Jersey.  I'll see you at the house.

Celeste:  No.

Weyland:  I'm not asking.

Celeste:  And I'm not listening!

Weyland touches her arm:  Leste, I--

A man's voice sounds out:  Never argue with a lady, Mr. Smith.  You'll always lose.

Wey & Celeste look up.  They're surrounded by four black uniformed gunmen, one for each point of the compass.

North:  Speaking of losing--you can only get two of us before the rest get you.

West laughs:  Who's it gonna be, Mr. Smith?

Kongo the darkling materializes between North and West.  Stretching out two impossibly long arms, he snags both gunmen and clunks their heads together.

Celeste grabs a fistful of Wey's vest and pulls him against her to make them a smaller target.  Reaching beneath his arm with her other hand, she shoots the gunman behind Weyland.  Wey shoots the gunman to his right.

Celeste:  So much for a warm welcome.

Kongo:  Boss!  You shot somebody?

Weyland returns his silenced Lugar-like Lavender Special to the shoulder holster beneath his vest:  We used tranquilizer darts.

Celeste nudges one of the fallen gunmen with a toe.  He's snoring softly:  They'll keep.

Weyland nods:  You were right, Leste.  Not only were they expecting company, they were only waiting for two of us.

Celeste slides her own Special back into the holster at her hip:  I figured Ravensong would have found a way to eavesdrop on Lavender's headquarters.  After two hundred plus years you know every trick there is.

Weyland frowns:  How old is that little gnome?  In his pictures he looked about forty to me.

Celeste shrugs:  He looked just the same during the Grant administration.  I'll take point.

Wey raises his eyebrows at Kongo after she brushed past them:  Uh...

Kongo shrugs:  Don't ask me, Boss--I'm only eight years old.

Weyland:  Oh yeah, I forgot.

They both stare at her.

Celeste feels their gaze and turns around:  You boys won't figure out my age by looking at my can.  We ready to go or not?

Weyland blushes; with Kongo it's hard to tell.

Kongo:  Want me to go invisible again?

Weyland:  Nah, just bring up the can--I, mean, her rear.  D*mmit, I mean--

Kongo:  Shut up while you still can, Boss.

Weyland nods:  Right.

They follow Celeste through the trees, spreading out in single file.  After a moment Celeste stops and drops to a crouch, waving her arm for the others to do the same.  Weyland scrabbles up to her and sees a dozen or so black uniformed soldiers, all bearing a raven insignia patch on their shoulders.

Celeste whispers:  We'll have to back up and go around them.

Weyland shakes his head.  Patting down his vest and skinsuit pockets, he quickly converts his Lavender Special into an automatic rifle complete with telescopic sight.

Celeste looks worried:  Are you sure you can hit them all from here?

Weyland gives her a smug glance:  Relax, I won a marksman's medal in the Air Force.  Besides, I got my good luck charm right here in my vest pocket.  (He stands and whistles shrilly.)  Hey, a*sh*les!

The gunman all look at him.  Weyland empties his clip in their direction.  One guy gets his beret knocked off but his otherwise unhurt.  Wey completely misses everybody else.

Weyland pales:  Of course, that was over thirty years ago....

The gunmen start walking toward them.  One produces a nightstick and starts slapping his palm with it:  Well well, it it ain't the famous Mr. Weyland Smith and his faithful spirit guide companion.  Tryin' to grease us all, huh?

Weyland shakes his head:  I was shooting tranks, fellas!

Another gunman snorts:  Bullsh*t, Smith--everybody knows you work Black!

Weyland scowls: Ya know, I said I'd nuke the next person who said that to me.  Didn't I, Leste?

Celeste nods:  Surely did, Boss.

The gunman snorts again:  With what?  You're outta ammo!

Weyland knocks the gunman off his feet with a stun blast from his pinky ring:  Not really.

The other gunmen rush them.  Wey fells three more of them with his stun blasts.  Celeste goes intangible and wipes out another trio with a pair of nunchucks.  Kongo lumbers up and dispatches the rest.

Weyland looks at Celeste:  I saw that guy swing his nightstick right through you before you knocked him out!  How could you hit him while you were intangible?

Celeste returns the nunchucks to a leg sheath on her thigh:  I can make parts of myself solid whenever I want.

Wey frowns:  Could you always do that?

Celeste shook her head:  No.  You just wrote it that way now because it's a cool plot device.

Weyland blinks:  Oh.  That sounds logical....

Kongo waves a tree trunk arm:  C'mon, let's go.

They arrive at the outer wall of the fortress.  It's made of stone and is twenty feet high.

Kongo:  Now what?

Before anybody else can answer, a trap door drops open beneath them and they fall into an underground dungeon.

Celeste is the first to recover:  You boys okay?

Kongo:  I caught 'im on the way down.  We're fine.

Weyland:  Thanks, Kongo.  Where the h*ll are we?

Dr. Ravensong's voice chuckles over a hidden intercom:  You're in the chamber next to mine, Mr. Smith.  Before of you are two doors.  One opens into my office.  Behind the other is my most formidable bodyguard.  I advise you to choose well.

Weyland looks at his friends:  The Munchkin or the tiger?

Kongo shrugs:  Go ahead and guess, Boss--you good at that.

Celeste is at a loss:  I hate to say it, but he's right.  Go for it.

Weyland hesitates, then presses a button next to the metal door on the right. It hums open to reveal a shadowy room the size of a closet.  Standing inside is a hulking figure twice as big as Kongo.

Weyland and the others step back as the figure moves heavily to the threshold of the open door.  It's a man-shaped figure of solid rock.

Dr. Ravensong:  My Golem has never failed me.  I almost regret that we'll never meet face to face, my friends, but I assure you that your deaths will be quick, and nearly painless.

Celeste:  Gee, thanks ever so much, Doc.

Weyland:  Nearly?

Dr. Ravensong:  Kill the human first.

The Golem starts lumbering toward them.  Weyland blasts it once, twice with his stun ring.  There is no effect.

 

--TO BE CONTINUED???

 

Back to Top

Back to Top

 

Home is Where

 

To the Moon, and Back Again

 

Edsel, New Jersey

Yogi & Boo Boo's House

 

Weyland is standing in the basement, aiming a homemade crossbow at a digital color photo of Selena St. Cloud.  A silver arrowhead bristles from the snout of the weapon.

Standing behind him are Celeste, Steed the unicorn and Kongo the darkling.

Wey continues to point the crossbow at Selena's picture.

Steed:  Whaddaya waitin' for, Boss?  Shoot the b*tch!

Kongo:  Yeah.

Celeste:  Go ahead, Wey.

Weyland lowers the crossbow:  I can't.

Steed explodes:  We went to all this trouble for nothing?  You know what it took to set this spell up?

Kongo:  Weyland, you're a d*mn fool.  If you can't do it, let me.

Weyland shakes his head:  No.

Celeste:  Why not, Wey?

Steed:  Is it cause it's kinda like shootin' her in the back?

Weyland shakes his head:  She's  werewolf--I don't wanna play hero with this.

Celeste:  Is it because she's a woman?

Weyland gives her a crooked smile:  You're a woman.  Could I take you in a fair fight?

Celeste:  Why not, then?

Weyland shrugs and carelessly tosses the loaded crossbow onto a workbench--everybody else jumps:  I just can't.

Steed:  So what are ya gonna do?

Weyland:  Lunch.

 

*****

 

Steed is glaring out of a living room window:  Stay here, he says.  While he trots out to p*ss off a werewolf.

Celeste:  It's broad daylight.  Maybe she's human now.

Steed:  She could probably whip his a*s human or not.  I don't care what he says, let's snuff that b*tch.

Kongo nods:  D*mn straight.

They troop back down to the basement.

 

*****

 

The Wolf's Tale Restaurant

 

Weyland stands outside to read the window banner: "Bloody ribs, all you can eat!"  (He shudders.)  How appropriate....

A gleaming black Mercedes stops right behind him.  The passenger's side window powers down and Selena calls out to him:  Hey, Lando.

Weyland tries a smile that doesn't quite come off:  How's it going, Selena?

Selena winks at him:  Hop in, I'll give you a ride.

Weyland pales:  Park and we'll eat.

Selena growls back:  Get in here, you little coward.

Weyland gulps: Well, nobody lives forever....

 

*****

 

Kongo picks up the crossbow and aims it at the picture while Celeste mutters a rhyme in Latin.

Steed: Now.

THOK

The bolt hits Selena's photo.

Nothing happens.

Steed:  Ain't that pic supposed to bleed?

Celeste:  Yeah.  It is.

Kongo strides over to the photo and pulls the bolt free.  He holds it out for inspection.

Steed looks at the arrowhead:  It's supposed to be pure!  That cheap b*st*rd Gizmo used an alloy!

 

*****

 

Inside the upholstered cavern of the Mercedes, Weyland crowds himself against his car door:  Aren't you hungry?

Selena:  Sure am!  C'mere, you--

Weyland yelps:  Wouldn't you be more happy with somebody a little Darker?

Selena gives him a gimlet-eyed stare:  Who are you kidding?  Everybody knows you work Black!

Weyland: Me?

Selena:  Like the inside of Merlin's pocket.

Weyland: Who says?

Selena:  All my friends told me you'd probably shoot me in the back with a silver bullet.  (She gives him a toothy grin.)  I knew better, though.

Weyland:  That's more like it--

Selena:  You'd think it was rude.

Weyland:  Now just one second, Clarice--

Selena:  Time's up.  C'mere.

She pulls him over and kisses him hard enough to make his cheeks implode.

After a moment she leans back and looks at him:  Is that the best you can do?

Weyland's eyes are crossed:  Hah?

She pulls him in again.  Same results.

Selena:  It's like kissing my brother.

Weyland mumbles: Gimme another chance--

Selena: Forget it--we'll just be friends.

Weyland tries to protest as she pushes him out of her car:  But--

Selena:  Don't call me, Lando, I'll call you.

She slams the car door shut and drives off with a squeal of tires.

Weyland stands in the parking lot and watches the Mercedes disappear.  Three figures materialize around him.

Steed:  Well, it ain't the last scene of It's a Wonderful Life, but we're still standing.

Weyland touches his bruised lips:  I think some of my teeth are loose.

Kongo:  You'll live, Boss.

Celeste is smiling at Weyland:  Yeah.

Steed:  So who's up for lunch?  I hear the ribs in this place are to die for.

 

 

American Wey

 

Timepiece

 

Part One:  "Frankly, You're Expendable...."

 

Somewhere in Edsel, New Jersey

 

Weyland is showing Celeste a scroll:  ...so I stirred all these runes together in a nonspecific attraction spell.  I'm bound to get a date this weekend!

Celeste frowns:  You really think that's smart, Boss?  You don't know what you're going to bring in with that!

Weyland:  Relax, what can go wrong?  (His cell phone beeps.)  Weyland here.

Selena St. Cloud:  Hi, Lando.  Miss me?

Weyland:  Selena!  What's up, hon?

Selena:  I know this cute little vampire girl who needs a date tonight in the very worst way.  Interested?

Weyland pales and rubs his neck:  Gee, Lena, any other time, yeah--but I have plans I just can't bail on.  Thanks for thinking of me, though.

Selena chuckles throatily:  Up to you, Lando.  Keep in touch.

Weyland:  You bet.  (Click.)  Celeste!  Burn that m*therf*ker!

His cell beeps again: Weyland here.

A man's voice asks:  Mr. Smith?

Weyland is cautious:  If this is Discover Card, check's in the mail.

Man's voice:  Please don't hang up, Mr. Smith.  My name is Dominic.  I'm calling on behalf of Mr. Niles Lavender.

Wey's eyebrows rise halfway up his forehead:  The Niles Lavender?

Dominic:  Yes sir.  Mr. Lavender would like to speak to you this afternoon.

Weyland:  Niles Lavender wants to talk to me?  Dom, you sure you got the right Smith?

Dominic sighs:  I can't figure it out either. buddy, but when The Man says get me Weyland Smith, I make the call.  My advice is to drop everything and come on down--he gets pissed off real easy.

Weyland:  I dunno where you are.

Dominic:  There's a park about two blocks away from where you're staying, right?

Weyland:  Yeah.  Why?

Dominic:  Chopper will pick you up there in twenty minutes.  Bring your sidekick. Lavender wants to meet her too.

 

Somewhere in Manhattan

 

The black helicopter settles down on a rooftop landing pad.  A black man in a navy blazer meets Wey and Celeste as they climb out.

Weyland:  Dominic, I presume?

Dominic:  Betcher a*s.  Follow me, The Man don't like to wait.

They are ushered into a penthouse office.  A tall blonde woman looks up from her desk as they come in.  Dominic nods to her, and she whispers into a telephone, then nods back at him. Dominic leads them through a set of paneled doors into a conference room that is about the size of an airplane hangar.  Eleven people are seated at a long mahogany table.

A tall and very dark black man in a tailored three piece suit stands at the head of his table: Mr. Smith!  So good of you to come!  And this must be Celeste! Dominic, make our guests comfortable.

Dom hustles them into chairs at the end of the table, then faded back to stand by the doors.

Lavender:  I assume you're familiar with my associates?

Weyland:  Who hasn't heard of the Committee of Ten?

Polite smiles all around.

Lavender steps aside as the wall behind him begins to glow: I assume you've heard of this man as well.

The holographic image stares down at them all.

Weyland looks confused:  A dwarf?

Celeste nudges him with an elbow:  Dr. Nicodemous Ravensong, Boss.

Lavender smiles:  You're right, of course, my dear.

Weyland places the name:  The alchemist?

Lavender:  Alchemist, physician, magician--Dr. Ravensong's interests and talents are legion.  As are his appetites for power and influence.  Some say they even include world conquest.

Celeste:  Some would say that about you and your Committee, Mr. Lavender.

Lavender:  You must call me Niles, my dear.  Dr. Ravensong has in his possession an item of great importance to me: the legendary Timepiece.

Dr. Ravensong's image is replaced by one of what appears to be a golden pocket watch.

Weyland frowns:  I hear it's cursed.

Lavender: Only to those who use it carelessly, I assure you.  A reasonable safeguard for a device which can transport one back to any given point in their lives.

Celeste:  A one way ticket.

Lavender shrugs.

Wey is still frowning:  I don't get it.

Lavender looks at a silver haired man at his right: Richard?

Richard:  It's really quite simple, Mr. Smith.  We want the Timepiece.  And we want you to get it for us.

Weyland gives him a stare:  You want me to steal it from Ravensong.

Richard:  The details are your concern.

Weyland:  He probably wears it.  I might have to snuff him to get it.

Richard makes a face: You might.  Why put on airs, Smith?  Everybody knows you work Black.

Weyland blinks:  I do?

Richard:  Like Voldemort's ghost.

Weyland turns to Celeste:  Remind me to fry the next person who says that.

Richard:  Well, Smith?

Weyland:  Why don't one of you guys make a try?  According to your reps, the ten of you are the most powerful ceremonials in the world!  What do you need me for?

Richard:  Because frankly, boy, you're expendable.  We're all family men here.  You've got nothing to lose.

Weyland:  No sh*t.

Richard's teeth show in a reptilian smile:  No sh*t.

Weyland starts to get up.  Sorry, fellas. this has been a wasted trip:  I--

Richard:  Your fee for acquiring the Timepiece will be five thousand dollars.

Weyland sits right back down again:  Like I said, I just never could take Ravensong seriously as a villain anyway.  He's shorter than my ex.

Celeste shakes her head:  Sometimes I can really see why she threw you out, Boss.

Weyland growls at her: Let's keep the party polite, hah?

Lavender rubs his palms together:  It's agreed, then!  Dominic will see to your preparations and transport.  Speed and alacrity are your most important considerations now--the element of surprise is essential.

Overhead, a moth clings to the high ceiling.  On it's back, between it's wings, is a tiny human ear.

 

Meanwhile, in Dr. Ravensong's secret fortress

 

Dr. Ravensong is at his desk, making notes from a stack of well worn books.  A laptop is at his elbow.

An imp scuttles up and whispers in his ear.

Dr. Ravensong smiles:  I was wondering when Lavender would try this.  Thank you, Screwtape.

The imp scuttles away.

Dr. Ravensong picks up a telephone:  We're having visitors.  Code Orange.  No, they won't be leaving....

 

--to be continued

 

 

Keep the Day Job!

 

Later Than You Think

 

Whitechapel Luxury Condos

 

Weyland helps two little old ladies into their limo.  Delighted by his attentions, both hug him goodbye and plant kisses atop his bald head.  Wey grins and waves goodbye as the limo drives away.

Weyland enters the lobby:  Wow, I just got more action out there in two minutes than I've had in the last two months!

Mickey the mailman sticks his head out of the package room:  You mean the past year, don't ya?

Weyland:  Hey, I had coffee with a girl not too long ago!

Mickey:  Your sister doesn't count.

Weyland:  At least she paid.

Mickey:  I'm beginning to see what part of your problem is.

Weyland:  Too shy?

Mickey:  Too d*mn cheap!

Weyland slams closed the package room door:  I'm also irritable.

 

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Back to Top

 

Keep the Day Job!

 

See You on the Dark Side of the Moon

 

Whitechapel Luxury Condos

Concierge desk

 

Ring.

Weyland picks up the phone:  Lobby.  Weyland here.

Selena:  Hey, Lando.  Miss me?

Weyland gulps:  How'd you get this number?

Selena:  Aradia gave it to me.  You're a naughty boy, disappearing on me like that last night.

Weyland:  I, uh, had to run.

Selena:  I can run too.  Wanna see how fast?

Weyland:  Not really....

Selena chuckles so throatily it's nearly a growl:  That's no fun.  Aradia said I might have to loosen you up a little.

Weyland is thinking dismemberment:  Did she?

Selena:  Talk to me later, and I'll show you.

Click.

 

 

Bad Moon Rising--Bad, Bad Moon....

 

 

The little red car is going eighty plus down an after-midnight highway.  A wild-eyed Weyland is at the wheel.  He claws open his cell phone with one hand and thumbs the speed dial.

Aradia:  Hello?

Weyland:  Gridley?  It's Weyland!  (Shoots a glance at the rearview mirror.)  About that blind date you set me up with--

Aradia:  Selena?  Isn't she nice?

Weyland:  Are you kidding?

Aradia:  What's not to like?  Selena's smart, pretty and fourteen years younger than you are!  I think she's quite a find.

Weyland:  For a dogcatcher maybe!

Aradia:  Why, is she too old for you?

Weyland:  She's a werewolf!

Aradia:  My, aren't we fussy!  Wey, it wasn't easy to find a nice girl for a middle aged bald guy with irritable bowel syndrome!  And I talked to her this morning--she really likes you!

Weyland:  I noticed!  I'm driving back from work with a big blonde werewolf chasing me!  Every time I slow down she bites a chunk out of my fender!

Aradia:  Oh, she's just playing with you--I'll bet she could catch you if she really tried.

Weyland shudders:  Now there's a thought!  Is there any way to turn her off?

Aradia:  Oh, I wouldn't do that!  She doesn't handle rejection very well.  Her last boyfriend disappeared after he dropped her.

Weyland:  I'm not her boyfriend!  Maybe he went into Witness Protection, hah?

Aradia:  Lena says that runaways taste a lot like chicken.  You do the math.

Weyland:  That b*tch ever shows up hungry, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!  Hold on, I got another call.  Hello?

Selena:  Hey, Lando.

Weyland pales:  Hey yourself.  (Looks at all the rearview mirrors.)  Uh, where are you?

Selena checkles:  Home.  Thanks for the exercise.  Call me tomorrow, we'll do lunch.

Weyland eases up on the gas:  Tomorrow's no good for--

Selena:  And lose the pinky ring.  I don't like silver.

Weyland:  If I took orders well I'd have stayed in the Air Force.

Selena:  Your choice, darlin, but you won't be nearly as cute lopsided.  Call me.

Click.

Weyland:  Oh sh*t.  Gridley?  I'm back.  You were saying that Selena has abandonment issues?

Aradia:  Kind of.  That's why I really thought you two would hit it off.

Weyland:  Nah.  She's beginning to remind me of Mom....

 

And introducing:

 

American Wey

 

Dr. Nicodemous Ravensong

Physician.  Alchemist.  Ceremonial magician.

 

Possessor of the fabled Timepiece device, he is poised at the brink of his greatest ambition--world conquest.  Only three things block his path to ultimate power.

 

Truth.  Justice.  And the American Wey.

 

Weyland: Me?

Celeste: Dear Goddess, we're doomed....

 

Catch the premier episode of a new occasional series: American Wey

 

Timepiece

 

What would YOU do for another chance?

 

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Home is Where

 

Edsel, New Jersey

 

Yogi & Boo Boo's house.  A paper is taped onto the front door.  It reads (in billboard print):  WEY, THE DOORKNOB IS BROKEN.  GO AROUND AND USE THE BACK DOOR.

Weyland's car pulls up in front.  Wey gets out, slings his concierge blazer over a shoulder and walks up to the house.

The doorknob spins in his hand.  Wey frowns and rattles the door.  Nothing.

Weyland:  Hey!  (He pounds on the door.) C'mon, this ain't funny!  Lemme in!

The little old ladies next door peer out their window to watch Wey.  The shorter one looks at the other and makes circular motion around her ear with a finger.

Weyland: Booo Boo!  Open up.....!

 

 

Keep the Day Job!

 

Whitechapel Luxury Condos

Main Desk

 

Weyland enters the lobby.  Scoundrel is at the desk, pencil in hand, looking at a sheet of paper with several hash marks on it.

Weyland:  Mornin'.

Scoundrel:  Hey.

Weyland: What's up?

Scoundrel points at the front of the lobby with a nod:  See that sign?

Weyland looks.  A sign on one of the lobby doors reads (in billboard-sized print): AUTOMATIC DOOR CANNOT BE OPERATED.  PLEASE USE REVOLVING DOOR OR SEE CONCIERGE FOR ASSISTANCE.  THANK YOU.

Weyland:  Yeah, okay?  So?

Scoundrel grunts as one of the inside doors open and a resident walks through the lobby:  Watch.

The man walks up to the inoperative door and hits the button serveral times.  Click click click.

Man: Is something wrong?  The door won't open!

Scoundrel: It's busted.  Use the revolving door.

Man mumbles under his breath and exits.

Scoundrel makes another mark on his paper:  And that guy makes a hundred thousand dollars a year....

Weyland rubs his jaw:  Not good.  How many like him so far?

Scoundrel shows him the paper. 

Weland:  Ouch.

Scoundrel:  That's a lotta dumb m*therf*kers, man...

Another man's voice: What the h*ll's wrong with the door?!

 

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Keep the Day Job!

Chump Change, Part Three

Fudpucker National Bank
Pay back day.

Scoundrel clambers out of his car in the bank's parking lot:  Remind me to thank Wey for letting me borrow you for this.
Celeste gives him a look:  I'm not his pet.  You can thank me right now for deciding to help you.  If I still do.
Scoundrel:  Thanks.  You sure you won't show up on any of their cameras?
Celeste shakes her head:  You won't be able to see me either.  I'll be on your right.  Just don't get absent minded and start talking to me.
Celeste disappears and they go inside.  Scoundrel waits in line for his turn at the teller's window with Mrs. Patel.
Mrs. Patel recognizes him and smirks:  Yes?  Sir?
Scoundrel:  Checking deposit.
Mrs. Patel looks at his pay check and does a double take.
Scoundrel leans into the window and gives her an innocent look: Anything wrong?
Mrs. Patel blinks and squints at his check again:  Uh, no!  No sir. Everything's all...right.
Scoundrel gives her a toothy grin as she hands him his receipt:  Glad to hear it.
Mrs. Patel is stammering:  Th-thank you, sir.
Scoundrel is still showing her his teeth:  See ya next week. 
Mrs. Patel:  Y-yes sir....
Scoundrel laughs when they get back to the car:  How many zeros did you add?
Celeste materializes beside him: Eight.
Scoundrel throws his head back and laughs even harder: I like your style, lady.
Celeste gives him a saucy wink:  Thank you, kind sir.
_________________________________________

Home is Where


When the Full Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Amore

Edsel Family Restaurant
You guessed it, he's at it again
Maybe he oughtta just become a hermit....


Weyland is in his regular booth, sitting across from a pretty blonde.
Selena:  Thanks for dinner, Lando.
Weyland grins:  My pleasure.
Selena smiles back:  How bout dessert at my place?
Weyland grins even more:  Sounds good.
Selena tilts her head to one side:  I have a surprise for you, too.
Weyland perks up:  Really?
Selena leans forward to whisper to him:  I'm a werewolf.
Weyland blinks:  Really. Um, that is a surprise....
Selena chuckles:  You don't believe me.
Weyland shrugs.  No, not--
Selena puts her hand on his.  With a thin little crackling sound, her lacquered nails grow half an inch.
Weyland yanks his hand back:  Really! 
Selena:  What's wrong?
Weyland cringes:  You--you're a real werewolf!
Selena:  So?  You're a real witch.
Weyland:  That's different!
Selena pouts:  I don't see why. 
Weyland pales:  It just is!
Selena winks at him:  Don't worry, I won't bite.
Weyland can't stop staring at her hands, which have returned to normal.
Selena:  So....ready to go, Lando?
Weyland holds up a palm:  Hold that thought--I'll be right back.
He gets up and hustles toward the back of the restaurant. 
Weyland snags Donna the waitress by an elbow as she comes out of the kitchen:  Here's thirty bucks for dinner and another twenty for my friend's taxi ride home.  This place have a back door?
Donna snorts:  You'll have to do better than a five dollar tip, Slick.
Weyland snarls and hands her another ten:  You were saying?
Donna jerks her head at the kitchen:  Straight back and to the left.  You're running out on her?
Weyland:  Like the wind.
Donna is incredulous:  What is she, an axe murderer?
Weyland:  Let's just say she gives the term "bite me" a whole new meaning.  (He ducks out through the kitchen.)
Donna gives Wey five minutes before she goes to the booth where Selena's waiting:  Sorry, honey, Mr. Class had to run. You ask me, you can do lots better.  At least he left you cab fare.
Selena waves off the proffered cash:  He's gone?
Donna:  Fraid so. 
Selena chuckles and gives Donna a very toothy grin:  I just love it when they play hard to get, don't you?

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Keep the Day Job!

 

Chump Change, Part 2

 

Fudpucker National Bank

Pay day.  Again.

 

Scoundrel waits in line at the teller's window.

Mrs.Patel: Yes?  Sir?

Scoundrel hands her his paycheck: Deposit.

Mrs. Patel gives it a glance: Just a moment....sir.

Scoundrel watches her show his check to the teller beside her.  There are muffled giggles.  Scoundrel frowns.

Mrs. Patel returns to her window and counts out his cash: There you go.  (The corners of her mouth twitch.)  Sir.

Scoundrel takes his dinero:  Thanks.  (B*tch.)

Scoundrel leaves, mumbling under his breath:  That's two....

 

 

Home is Where

 

Earlier Every Year

 

The Mall

 

Weyland is slouching around, hands in his pockets, window shopping.  He stops to look at a display of Halloween candles, cards & knick knacks.

Celeste materializes beside him, arms crossed and frowning:  Things for Samhain up already?  It's not even Mabon yet!

Weyland nods:  They do it earlier every year.

Celeste:  Humph!

They turn and walk away.

Weyland looks thoughtful:  Am I the only one who sees the humor in this?

Celeste:  Yes.

 

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Keep the Day Job!

 

Chump Change

 

Part One

Fudpucker National Bank

Pay day

(Not the candy bar....)

 

Scoundrel waits patiently in line until it's his turn at the teller's window with Mrs. Patel.

Mrs. Patel:  Yes, sir?

Scoundrel:  Checking deposit.

Mrs. Patel looks at his pay check and sniffs:  Is that all?

Scoundrel frowns at her:  That's it, yeah.

Her lips twitch at the corners, like she's trying not to laugh.  But not too hard.

Scoundrel glares at her as she hands him his receipt.

Mrs. Patel:  There you go.  Sir.

Scoundrel grins from the teeth out:  Thanks. 

He pockets his receipt and walks out.

Scoundrel mutters under his breath:  That's one....

 

Home is Where

 

Just Wondered

 

Edsel Family Restaurant

Another first date for Weyland

And the nightmare continues....

 

Weyland's in a booth, sitting across from a tall redhead.

Weyland:  How's your food, Nance?

Nancy:  Overcooked.  Wey, I have a confession to make.

Weyland looks tense:  You're not married, are you?

Nancy:  No.

Weyland:  Oh, okay.

Nancy:  I'm gay.

Weyland:  Oh.  Okay....

Nancy:  I said yes to dinner because I've been wondering if I could like men too.

Weyland looks smug:  And what have you decided?

Nancy:  I don't think so.

Weyland looks at her.

Nancy shakes her head:  Not at all.

Weyland:  Oh.

Nancy:  As a matter of fact, after dinner with you, I've decided I don't have a straight molecule in my whole body.

Weyland:  Oookay....

Nancy looks at her cell phone:  And I just realized that if I leave right now I can catch my friend before she gets out of work.

Weyland:  Well, thanks for breaking it to me so gently....

Nancy grins and stands up:  I knew you'd understand.  (She pats him on the cheek in passing.)  You're a sweetheart.  Bye!

She leaves with a click clack of high heels.

Weyland lifts a hand and points at the ceiling:  Check, please.

Donna the waitress comes over, chewing gum:  This one didn't even make it to dessert!  Way to go, Slick.

Weyland:  Somebody out there somewhere is sticking pins in a Weyland doll.

Donna blows a bubble:  Maybe you oughtta take 'em to a nicer place.

Weyland:  I can't afford a nicer place.

Donna:  The way you tip, you can afford it.  Here's your check.

Weyland:  Thanks.

Donna:  Don't leave change this time.

 

 

Carry Out

 

Edsel Family Restaurant

Yet another first date for the Weylander

Here we go again....

 

Weyland is in his regular booth, sitting across from a thirtysomething black woman.

Tonya:  .....so I told her, "It'll be a cold day in h*ll before you ever work here again!"

Weyland looks sour:  Uh huh.

Tonya:  What?

Weyland:  I said "uh huh".

Tonya:  Looks like you have something more to say.  (She sits back and crosses her arms.)  Go ahead.

Weyland glares at her:  Just let me get this straight.  The kid was honest, got there early every day, and did her job right--but you canned her because she p*ssed you off.  Have I got that right?

Tonya frowns:  You're wrong!  I fired her because she's a b*tch.

Weyland shakes his head:  No no, Tonya.  She's not the b*tch. (Jabs a finger at her.)  You are.

Tonya picks up her plate of spaghetti and pours it over Weyland's head.  She leaves without another word.

Weyland lifts his hand and points his middle finger at the ceiling:  Check, please!

Donna the waitress comes over:  You want a doggie bag for that, Slick?

Weyland sighs and wipes an eye:  No thanks, I'll wear it out.

Donna hands him the check:  Looks good on ya.

 

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He Said, She Said

Part Four:  I Only Remember the Good Times

Morgan's House
(no longer the Lanterns)
Saturday Afternoon


Wey and Scoundrel come in from outside.  Morgan and Celeste meet them in the living room.
Weyland:  Anything else?
Celeste shakes her head:  That's everything.
Weyland (rueful grin): Easier moving out than in, huh, guys?
Morgan & Celeste groan & nod.
Scoundrel:  Why, what happened when you moved in?
Morgan shudders:  Don't ask.
Weyland puts his hands in his hip pockets:  Well, I guess this is....it.
Morgan:  Yeah.
Celeste taps Scoundrel on the arm:  C'mon, let's close up the truck.
Scoundrel shrinks back a little at her touch:  Sometimes I can look right through you and see the wall behind you!  What the f*k are you?
Celeste frowns.
Morgan:  Temper, girl--he's only a man.
Celeste hesitates, then nods:  Ahem.  I'm Wey's spirit guide.  C'mon, I'll tell you all about it outside.
They leave.
Morgan:  You've lost weight.
Weyland:  Yeah.  You look great.
Morgan:  I'm all dusty and sweaty.
Weyland grins:  Like I said.
Morgan smiles back.
They look at each other.
Weyland:  Remember when we--?
Morgan reaches out to touch his lips with her fingertips:  I remember all the good times.
Wey nods:  Me too.  Oh, hey, I almost forgot--here.
He hands her a paperback book.
Morgan:  Dark Tower VII. 
Weyland:  You'll like it.  The ending's kind of French.
Morgan smiles a little:  Is it?
Weyland nods:  You'll see.
Morgan:  Thanks.
Weyland:  Anytime.  Well...bye.
He sticks out his hand.  Morgan starts to automatically shake it, then stops and looks up at him.  They both laugh and hug each other.
Weyland:  Keep in touch.
Morgan:  I will.
She walks him to the door.
Weyland:  Do me a favor?
Morgan:  Sure.
Weyland:  Don't shut the door until after we're gone.  There's nothing worse than being on the wrong side of a closed door.  Especially when it used to be yours. 
Morgan nods.
She follows him out onto the front porch and stops at the top of the steps to watch him climb into the truck with Scoundrel and Celeste.
Scoundrel gives him a look:  You ready, man?
Weyland:  Yeah.  Let's go.
Scoundrel turns the key.  The engine rumbles and the dashboard radio begins to play Nat King Cole and his daughter Natalie singing Unforgettable.
Celeste:  Oh no--
Weyland stops her:  It's all right.  I kinda like it.
Celeste looks out the window at Morgan:  I'll call you later!
Morgan:  Okay! 
The truck chugs out of the driveway and down the street.  Morgan watches until it disappears.
Then she walks back inside her house.  And into her new life.

___________________________________________

Keep the Day Job!


Ben and Us

Whitechapel Towers
Luxury Condos
Concierge desk, main lobby

Scoundrel comes in to take over the lobby.  Weyland is at the desk, absorbed in a book.
Scoundrel:  Hey.
Weyland:  Hey, what's up?
Scoundrel:  What you readin' today?
Weyland:  Book about Abe Lincoln.
Scoundrel makes a face:  All them Founding Fathers were slave owners.  Bump 'em.
Weyland:  I don't think Lincoln was a Founding Father or a slave owner....
Scoundrel:  Sure he was.
Weyland:  No, no.  Wrong era.  Lincoln was Civil War.  Founding Fathers were Revolutionary War.  Like George Washington or Ben Franklin.
Scoundrel:  Ben Franklin owned slaves too.
Weyland frowns:  You sure about that?
Scoundrel nods:  Betcher a*s.  Who you think he had flyin' his kites out in the rain for him?  (He pauses and goes into a dream...)

****

Ben Franklin hunches his shoulders against the wind and cups his hands around his mouth to be heard up the hill:  Hold her steady, boys!
Atop the rainswept hill, clad in Colonial garb, Scoundrel and Weyland fight to hold onto a kite string.
Scoundrel:  Who's that cracker callin' "boy"?
Weyland:  Not me.  And what am I doing in your daydream?
Scoundrel:  Equal opportunity.  Here, hold onto this while I go down and school Benjy on how to talk to the hired help.
Weyland:  How will I know when the experiment is over?
Scoundrel (over his shoulder):  You'll know....
ZAP!

****

Back in the lobby, Weyland jumps up out of his chair:  You nearly got me electrocuted!
Scoundrel:  Served your a*s right for being stupid enough to fly a kite in a thunderstorm.  'Sides, that wasn't even real.
Weyland:  I oughtta have Celeste turn you into a toad!
Scoundrel:  We cool, Wey, but if you ever sic one of your critters on me, I'll--
Lex the Security Supervisor runs into the lobby:  What's all the shouting about?  You two fighting?
Scoundrel waves a palm at him:  Calm down, Lex.  Me an' Wey is just havin' a discussion about history.
Lex frowns:  Yelling like that?
Weyland:  Sure.  We were both Anthropology Majors in college.
Scoundrel nods:  We takes our learnin' seriously.
Lex mulls it over:  I dunno...you guys were mighty loud.  Sure you weren't fightin'?
Weyland gives him a pitying look:  Over Ben Franklin?  Be real, Lex.  We're not teenagers.
Lex:  How come everybody here calls me "Lex"?
They look at him.  Lex is a tall white guy with a shaved head.  He looks like a more than slightly stupid Mr. Clean.
Wey & Scoundrel chorus:  No reason.
Lex gives them a suspicious look & stalks out of the lobby.
Weyland:  See how fast he wanted to burn us?
Scoundrel:  Yeah, but he too dumb to do it right.
Weyland:  Mean and stupid is a bad combination--he's gonna be trouble some day.
Scoundrel:  So sic your ghost girl on him, not me.
Weyland:  Celeste is a spirit guide, not a ghost.
Scoundrel:  There's a difference?
Weyland:  Yeah, but you don't wanna know.
Scoundrel:  I'll take your word for it.
Weyland looks up at him:  Friends?
Scoundrel snorts:  Go fly a kite.
They laugh and shake hands.
Weyland:  Don't look now, but Lex is watching us through the window.
Scoundrel:  That dumba*s.  You know what to do.
Weyland:  On Three?
Scoundrel:  On Three.
Weyland:  One.  Two.  Now.
Together they turn toward the window to display the upthrust middle fingers of their right hands.
Mad Dog the Delivery Guy comes in:  Whoa!  What'd I do?
Scoundrel:  You're cool, Mad Dog.  We're just f*kin' with Lex.
Mad Dog:  Oh, okay.  Where is he?
Weyland nods:  That window.
Mad Dog gives Lex the finger too.

_____________________________________

Home is Where

Bored on the Fourth of July

Yogi & Boo Boo's House
Edsel, New Jersey
After the fireworks are over....

Lucky the dog looks up from the living room couc